Rabbi Israel sings in a rousing tune:

A story – very wonderful and awesome, for whoever pays attention to truth. And therefore I said that its very proper and important to tell and record all that happened to me from the day that I came to my senses, because from the time that I came to my senses and until I merited to draw close to our holy Rabbi – this is a single matter.

The Lord, Blessed-Be-He, was merciful to me and gave me such a soul, that from the day that I came to my senses, when I was yet a small boy, my heart would burn much for the service of the Lord, to merit to fear of heaven and to faith, and that I should merit in all, beyond all, all. To love of the Lord, Blessed-Be-He, and to fear him.

The essence of my yearning and all my desires were to cleanse myself from all the lusts of this world and only serve the Lord, even though I was a small boy and I knew not a thing, but the soul yearned much for devotion of the soul and my heart would burn only for the service of the Lord and not for involvement in some craft or work.

I remember everything, I remember when I was yet a boy. All the days of my life I was a poor boy, we did not have what to eat, not on festivals and neither on Shabbat. We did not have meat – Shabbat without meat, there was fish and from these fish we survived. Our mother, she knew to cook and her foods were better that all sorts of meat, and there was happiness in the house!

My father was all his days a great pauper, and afterwards when he was a son of forty years he was made blind in his two eyes, and my mother, she received this in love, and I was yet a boy, a little boy, oy vey, Master of the World...

And I, I had yearnings to afflict my soul yet at age seven-eight, and to make fasts on eve of new moon, in the month of Elul, and in the time of Days of Repentance. For example, on eve of new moon I wanted to fast and my mother was a very devoted mother and she had very great pain, "Was is this with you? You are yet a small boy, what, you will make a fast?" Then I refused to listen to her, and I made a fast every eve of new moon half a day, but in the month of Elul all the day, and I caused great pain to my mother for this.

Any way, more and more happened to me without measure, for this is known that against every thing in holiness the Naysayer resiliates. I had much resilience of lusts of this world from one side, and from the other side I was a fearer of Heaven and I loathed my life, I felt great bitterness. Then I searched men fearers of the Lord, men of truth, among the Chasidim in the ways that I grew up among, perhaps I will find rest for my soul, for I still did not know of our Holy Rabbi anything. Even though I was belonging to a certain Chasidut, but I thought: "Perhaps I shall find in some other place, I am tied only to the Lord, blessed-be-He, to a place where I will feel, that I shall see that [it] makes effects on me, that [it] completes on me the light of the Lord."

I was in very great pain and troubles, I searched counsel to rescue myself and I did not find. Oy, oy...

Well, I searched in all kinds of different Chasiduts and by men fearers of the Lord, for example there was in Tiberia one man, famous to the day, his name was Rav Hirsh, Rav Tzvi Litwak Rozental. He was a student of the Chafetz Chayim, and he was the glory of all the city and also was the glory of the yeshivah. He was a fearer of Heaven and he learned many books of musar (tradition/ethics), for example he used to learn in the book Reishit Chokhmah in great perseverance several hours every day standing and used to know it all my mouth, and I saw and I loved this and I used to have great esteem, "Rav Hirsh, Rav Hirsh, he learns so much Reishit Chokhmah..."

And I sought a place in order to direct me and to illuminate in me fear of Heaven and faith, then I cleaved to him and he became my rabbi for me, without money. And I requested him and he had mercy on me and taught me Reishit Chokhmah and Zohar. And he spoke with me by mouth in order that he should put into me faith and fear of heaven, and there was a great bond between us. And also alone I had many moments, for I searched much for service of the Lord in truth.

Of the matter of hitbodedut (isolated meditation) I did not know yet at all, I saw in the book Reishit Chokhmah and in other books of mussar the greatness and power of prayer, certainly I prayed to the Lord, blessed-be-He; however, of the matter of hitbodedut I did not know, I only knew that prayer is a very big thing. Then I said many Psalms and also my three prayers of the day, I prayed in great intention, in cleavage, in fear of heaven.

And I, in the time that I came to my senses when I was yet a small boy, I still was not able to say even say Psalms, but the heart would burn for the Lord, blessed-be-He, and I greatly desired, I greatly loved learning of the Torah and mitzvot (commandments) and faith. My heart would yearn to serve the Lord, to learn Torah and to give over my soul for service of the Lord, and I prayed in cleavage, in ardor and in motions, and I entered to pray in the synagogue that was in the neighborhood nearby our house and there was one great elder chasid (pious one) and he was a respected and important man, a fit man and loved fearers of the Lord, and he saw m prayer that it was different from all the children, he saw that I pray in intention, in cleavage and in truth and in wholesomeness, then I found grace in his eyes. He was of the Chasidim who do not pray with force and not out loud, only in quiet. Well, even so I had boldness and I did not focus on them. Then this elder came to me every day and gave me a valuable coin, he was famous in the city that he was such a miser that he gives a donation the smallest coin possible, a slice of can, and he gave to me.

When I came home, they were poor, and I gave the coin, then they were much affected, but after that I stopped giving to the home and I began to collect coins for a siddur (prayer-book). I want to buy a siddur that there will be in it tikkun chatzot (midnight prayer) and Tehillim (Psalms), and all kinds of selichot (prayers for forgiveness) and ma`amadot (additional readings/prayers), and all the requests and all the prayers, an "all in one" -- that there should be in it everything that there is in the world, whatever supplication, whatever thing.

Well, and I, I had longing and yearning for a such a siddur and I received almost every day a valuable coin, then I took all the coins and collected that I should have [the amount] to buy a siddur. But in Tiberia it [was] not possible to obtain a such a siddur, in Tiberia there was a siddur just for the kids to pray, and such a siddur such as I wanted was only in Jerusalem. Then the Lord, blessed-be-He, had mercy on me and Mother journeyed to Jerusalem for a bridal reception, and I, when she went, said to her "I collected money for an ‘all in one’ siddur."

And I was very dear by Mother and she gave me assurance that she would buy me a siddur such as I want – "all in one," that it should have all the features. I gave her the money, and she did it!

She tried to do it through some close relative of ours who knows all the great merchants that there are, a siddur like this they do not obtain in all the places. Anyway, she brought me a siddur that was a novelty in Jerusalem. She came to Tiberia with the siddur. And my joy... and I walked to the synagogue with this siddur, and all were jealous, whoever saw the this siddur said "Hoo, a siddur like this, who can come to a siddur like this!"

Why, what joy I had every time I saw the siddur by me, I wanted to eat all the siddur!

There are several stories to tell. Anyway, I, I had strong desires to rise at midnight and to say many tehillim and to pray, and I had many wars, I and sought a place of salvation and I did not find healing for my soul.

And I remember, in Tiberia was very hot air, and the heat was so strong at day that at night it was also very hot, for the rocks were heated from the sun, and all the city would sleep on the roofs. And I dozed also, but would love to stand up two hours, three, before light of morn, I stood up and went down from the roof to our house and our house, it had no windows, it was like a cave, and the heat was very terrible, and I was like one who dunks himself with the clothes in water, so much the sweat.

Well, and I endured this and when I went out from the house I could not breathe, and I went up on some steps close to the roof, after midnight the air [was] a little more cool and then was the main sleep, the main life. Then I felt such life, coolness, air. And I then went down to the room and we had a little lamp and I lit it and I said tehillim and I began to pray Then Father saw that I did wrong, because all week I lit the lamp for several hours, and they had a bottle of oil that sufficed from Shabbat to Shabbat and every Sunday they have to but a bottle of oil, and Shabbat arrived and there was no oil. Then they said "Oy, Israel Ber makes us such pains, he lit the oil and we have not [oil] to finish the week." Oy yoy yoy...

Among, the Chasidim was one very old man, he was a learner, wise, fearing heaven and a master of Kabbalah, and I would busy with him that he should draw me close to the Lord, blessed-be-He, and he bent an ear to all my words and he would wonder much, "What is this, there are more talented children learning Torah and fearers of the Lord and they don’t hear from any one that he suffers so much from the evil inclination." Any way, he received me in love, and he was living slightly far from the synagogue and would remain last after the evening prayer, and almost every night after the prayer I walked with him together slowly slowly until I arrived at his house, and on the way I told him all my pains, all that happens to me, and he wanted to help me, he talked with me from faith, certainly it was good for me, but to take [it] from me, that should shine on me such a light that I needed – he did not have.

Any way, I had several guides, believers, who taught me until I became bar mitzvah. After the bar mitzvah one pious old man drew me close, who in old age became an ADMOR (ADoneinu Moreinu W’Rabbeinu – Chassidic leader) in Jerusalem, he taught me Zohar and Gemara and Mishnayot and he was my rabbi. And I was a fearer of Heaven and of good traits, I thought that he was an angel of the Lord of Legions!

And I sought devotion of soul and told before several people all my sins, all that happened to me, because I wanted to go out from the mud, I wanted to change, then I thought: "I will reveal the sickness, then they will know more how to help me."

Any way, what happened to me happened, more and more and more, until I became seventeen years old. And then.. The Lord, blessed-be-He, began to make with me miracles and wonders, I saw the providence of the Lord, blessed-be-He, that he has compassion on me and helps me every time. I heard of all kinds of Chassidut and only of the name Breslev I never heard. But the Lord, blessed-be-He, knows the thought and the heart, he saw that I forsake myself and disgrace myself before mankind, when I saw one old heaven-fearing man then I told him all my heard in order that he should take me out from the darkness and the lusts. The Lord, blessed-be-He saw my heart and he wanted to have mercy on me to attract me to our Rebbi, but how? I do not even know that there is Breslev in the world, how should I draw close to our Rebbi?

Oy, vey, it is impossible to tell everything in detail, but the main thing I will begin to tell what happened to me, what the Lord, blessed-be-He had compassion on me and spun reasons that I should merit to draw close to our holy Rabbi.

I learned in the yeshivah in Tiberia at the kever [grave] of Rabbi Meir Baal haNes, it stood between the fields and the mountains, and I loved to gout to walk among the mountains and the fields before I yet was introduced to our Rebbe. And when I turned seventeen years old I had very hard wars with the evil inclination, what does one do? I still did not know of our Rebbi, then the Lord, blessed-be-He caused that when I went out from the yeshivah to the court to take a glass of tea, and in the court stood a garbage can, and I saw there ruins, this was an old book without cover, without start, without end – ruins.

Well, I was a fearer of Heaven, then so that the book should not be in disgrace among the trash, I took the book in order to throw it in the gnizah (burial collection) in the yeshivah. Before I threw the book in the gnizah I saw the name of the book was Pouring Out of the Soul (Hishtapchut Hanefesh)...

"Pouring Out of the Soul" – this made an impression on me, I would have longings to pout out my soul to the Lord, then perhaps this is good before me, and also I was accustomed to read in many books of Mussar, books of Chassidut, but I did not see such a book that its name is Pouring Out of the Soul. Then I thought in my mind: "Maybe this is good for me, maybe this is the providence of the Lord, blessed-be-He that I should have this book, because every word was for me and that I should succeed to conquer all the wars all that I suffer, then I did not throw out the book to the gnizah and I took it and I stole myself from the yeshivah to the field among the mountains with the book and I began to read in the book...

Well, from the time that I found the book I walked with it to do isolated meditation (hitbodedut) and I prayed as is written there in the name of our Rebbe how to do hitbodedut and how to pray, and I walked in the fields, no one knew, this is like stealing, I stole myself into the field and I had hitbodedut and I read in the book and I did what is written there. And I saw the first time in my life that the power of this book – what power has hitbodedut, this kills all the destroying [spirits], all the harmers, all kinds of bad sicknesses, all kinds of deeds, all kinds of lusts.

I saw eye to eye that after the hitbodedut when I returned to the yeshivah, I was like a new man. I felt in myself: "Where are all the destroyers? They are killed!"

Until then, because I wanted to deliver myself from the evil inclination, I sought and sought and sought, and although I had salvations, yet a salvation like this – to win all the wars easily, I never had. I read in the book a leaf, two leaves, and immediately I did what is written there. And I saw such wonders that I had never seen my whole life, I seek in books and I see salvation’s, but a thing like this that I had, a wonder like this inside the words of this book – I never had!

Well, then I learned many books in revival, in ardor, but I did not know who was the composer of the book, because this was a ruin, and the pages were by me like a treasure, I closed up the book inside a case and every day I had this conduct and I had hitbodedut, I walked with the book into the field and I read, and immediately I did what I read and I saw such wonders... nullification of nature!

I saw great wonders that I never had before, I saw new miracles and wonders which since the day I came to my senses I had not seen wonders like these, and I did not know who was the composer of the book...

Once, I sat on the bed and I was reading the book and a friend from my chassidut came and saw that I was reading in ardor, seriously, in love, in great arousal in the book, then he saw that the book was "Hishtapchut Hanefesh" (Pouring Out of the Soul) and he knew that this was from the books of Breslev, so this friend said to me "What are you doing? You’re reading this book! It’s forbidden to read this book, this is a book of Breslev!"

But I already tasted the taste of the book and I saw wonders, so I was amazed and became very upset and I entered into great anger and I said to him: "This is not your business, wicked one! Regarding this book you say it is forbidden to study, you don’t know what there is in the world. This book is holy of holies, and I see from it great wonders!"

Then he said to me: "Beast, you are a beast, you are not a human. You don’t know at all what there is in the world, this is of the books of Breslev, it is forbidden to read in them. All the ADMORs and the whole world are against Breslev and say that it is forbidden to read books of Breslev."

I heard the first time in my life that there is Breslev in the world and that it is forbidden to read the books, so I said to him: "I won’t listen to the world, to all the ADMORs. Let all the ADMORs and all the kings come – I will not listen to any one, this book is good for me, I saw such wonders that are impossible to relate!"

Then he said to me "You are so arrogant, such a brazen face against all the ADMORs, then you are not a man."

I said to him: "For me, this is good!"

Then he said to me: "This book is mine and I want it, I don’t need it, I only want that you do not read it, I want the book!"

I did not want to give to him, I said: "I got it from the abandoned, the book was in the trash can."

Then he hit me and said to me: "You are such a brazen faced one against all the ADMORs, against our Rabbi, they all say that it is forbidden to read books of Breslev, and you want to read!"

I did not want to give him the book in any way, but he was stronger than me and he took away the book from me by force and went away, and I remained orphaned, without the book, but I had a gain, that I heard that there is a Chasidut in the world whose name is Breslev and that it is forbidden to study books of Breslev. And I already read the book several times, and I tasted the taste, so from what I remembered I would continue and walk in the field and I prayed and I called out to the Lord, blessed-be-He, that he should have compassion on me, like he began to help me and I found this book and I know that this had effect on me – so should he call Breslev books and Breslev chasidim to me, I want to be a Breslev chasid!

© 2005 Nissim Kaufmann, nissimkaufmann@yahoo.com. Please copy and distribute for non-profit use.