I, at the time I came to my senses, at age seven-eight years, greatly loved the Torah and fear of Heaven and faith, but I had great bitterness, I endured much from the Evil Inclination, there is an Evil Inclination that wants only this world, all the lusts. And I was a fearer of Heaven and I loved the Torah greatly. When I saw a son of man who knows how to learn in a book and he speaks wasteful speech and does not guard the time, then I would say: "What is this, he is insane. If I were able to read a book I would not rest, I would not waste one moment!" When I saw someone learning and he was simple and he says Psalms, then I thought: "Aha! This man considers the true purpose, this man – happy is he, he busies in Psalms and studies."

And I would pray with more ardor than all the children. All the children pray, but I counted the words as like people count money, and in love and simplicity. And also while I was yet a small boy I loved to shout in the prayer, and I saw that the pious ones before the Lord would pray with shouts and they would drink tea or coffee, so I began to drink more than all of them and I shouted more than all of them. Afterwards I saw that they can live without tea and coffee.

What I merited, what I saw from Rabbi Israel, I saw that he did not need tea, he rose at midnight without tea without coffee.

Well, also until my Bar Mitzvah I sought only to learn and to fulfill commandments and fear of Heaven and truth and faith. Afterwards my family and dear ones came to me and influenced me and spoke with me, that I had become Bar Mitzvah so I needed to learn some craft – tailor or sandler, and I said: "No, I do not want to learn a craft, I want only Torah, only Torah and fear of Heaven!"

Then they said to me: "You need livelihood and you are a child, Father cannot give you a nadan and money, and also you need to support the household."

Then I said: "I do not want to learn any craft!"

I was very stubborn and I did not learn a craft, so they said to me: "From where will you have livelihood, the yeshivah does not give livelihood, and you will not be a Rabbi, you are not talented."

Then I said: "Bread and water, this will the Lord, blessed-be-He summon to me."

Then they said to me: "Fine, you want to eat bread and water, OK, but the wife and children also?"

Then I said: "I hope that the Lord, blessed-be-He, will give me such a wife that she will also suffice on bread and water."

Afterwards when I merited to draw close to Rabbi Israel I told him the matter, I saw the he enjoyed this very much, for until then I did not know of Breslev, only my heart would burn so much for love for the Torah, and he said to me: "You have done well that you have not learned a craft!"

And also I remember when I was several years old then I was very sick and I had a war with the Angel of Death, I felt that I was ready to die.

Oy, I was very ill and I became very weak, and whoever is sick, they must give him something to enliven his soul, milk, and Mother gave me milk and water, I wanted only water!"

Then she said to me: "You are already grown-up, are you not ashamed, what is this with you!"

Then I began to cry: "I want milk!"

Anyway, afterwards I got better, then I said to Mother: "I am very weak, I need a little meat, soup."

She gave me three coins; this is like today three grushim. I walked to the hotel and the chef lady cooked well, but Mother have me three grush to buy soup with a peace of chicken, I tasted the soup, I did not taste soup at home, then I felt a good taste, but she gave me perhaps twice or thrice, I needed a week, two weeks, and we did not have.

I am alive by miracle! The Lord, blessed-be-He, returned me the soul miraculously!

I saw several times miracles. The Lord, blessed-be-He, showed me that He gives me in order to live. It was great poverty and they received everything in love and happiness, Father and Mother. Oy, oy...

I was born in Tiberia and I was the worst off of all the children, I was born at home in such poverty... unique in the world, I did not have what I needed. And also I was a weak child, I have miracles that I am alive and also miracles that I grew up. And when I became a little bigger, all the children came to Passover with new clothes, beautiful, but I – my father was blind and they did not have money and I did not have a garment for the Festival.

Well, my mother made my garment like new, she washed and ordered it and I was very happy, and when I came to the synagogue – all the children came with new clothes, and I came to the synagogue like all the children with a very beautiful garment, not new, but I had a garment like new.

And I, my father was poor and I did not have money, I was ashamed to come without money to my Rabbi. What, this is his entire livelihood. On New Month they must come with money, all the children brought money to the Rabbi, and I was ashamed, I went to the Rabbi without money, "How does one come without money when New Month arrives?!" – there is no such thing.

Oy, my hell, that I went to school to the Rabbi without money, every step I felt hell. All the students came on New Month with money, only I came without money. The only student!

They Rabbi said to me: "What are you doing, why do you come? The whole month I look forward to New Month and it turned New Month and you have come without money. This is all my livelihood, New Month all the students bring me money and I have livelihood, and you are the only boy who did not bring money, you did not bring money!"

There are already more than a hundred years and I remember this as it were now. He says to me: "Why have you come New Month without money? What is this? Tell Father, on New Month they must bring money!"

And I had big ordeal, my taste was like the taste of hell, how shall I go to school to the Rabbi without money, I did not have. I came the next day also without money...

And so was the story, I was born and I had love to help the poor and I greatly moved a commandment, even though I did not know but I felt that the commandment of charity is a very big thing, this is a very holy commandment and this is very awesome.

In Tiberia was an old man, great was his name, the Rabbi Yosef Noach. And he was poor and he had a wife and they had a room near me in some court, and he would go door-to-door. There are poor ones who do not go door-to-door, they are poor but they give them in honor some coin, some charity, but he would go door-to-door, and I saw that he goes door to door, so I had great empathy for him, "Who knows if he has what to eat, some piece of bread." I remember to this day his name – Yosef Noach, two names, this was in Parashat Noach.

And I was born in a house with such poverty that is not found in this world, and a slice of bread was a treasure. Well, I was a good boy, so in the morning when I went to school to learn, then Mother gave me a slice of bread that should be for me to eat until noon, maybe I would be hungry, so she gave me several drops of oil on the bread and I was very happy, I took the bread and I asked of her: "Mother, give me a some more, two or three drops."

And this was Thursday, so she yelled at me: "I need the oil for Shabbat, the whole Shabbat is the oil. If I give you one more drop then there will not be enough oil for cholent and you want another drop? Don’t say anything. This is enough!"

Well, I wanted to do charity and kindness, I did not have money, so I tool the slice of bread, and when I went in the morning to the school where the children learn, then no one knew, and I went to this old Jew and he was not home, and I looked and went to him and I give him and he took from me, and I was so happy that I merited to do the mitzvah of charity – I gave him bread to eat.

I wanted to fulfill the commandment of charity, to have compassion on the poor, so I went and gave him in joy the bread with the drops of olive oil. I gave him, I thought that I did a big charity, he and his wife should eat. This was Sunday, and I already began to study Pentateuch, then the custom of the Rabbi was that on Sunday he would tell the students: "Children, you know, the week goes Parashat Noach." He said this several times so that they would know that it is Parashat "Noach," then the heard that that week they needed to learn Parashat Noach. Afterwards he told them several heads of chapters from the study that they need, several stories from Parashat Noach, how big the ark, in order that at study time they would already know some things. Well, it came time for eating. All the students came to school with bread and with olive oil and I, I did not have bread nor olive oil, I gave it to this poor person and I was very hungry and I could not pay attention to the words that the Rabbi spoke, I was at the table but I was hungry and I did not know at all what he spoke. What to do, I could not take it, I was hungry. My head hurt much, I needed to eat and I did not have. And I was by nature a weak body, and due to the great weakness I did not hear at all what he said, that the week was Parashat Noach. And he wanted to know which children were good and which children were not good, so suddenly he stood and asked this child: "Say, which portion is this week?" And when the child knew that the week was Parashat Noach then he was a good boy. But there were boys who did not remember and needed to take time to remember that it was Parashat Noach. Then he looked at all the students and he examined me, that I did not hear at all and did not know at all, as if I was not there. He came to me, "Israel Ber, tell me, which Parashah is the week?" I did not know a thing, as if I was not in this world, as if I was in another country.

Well, he waited and expected, perhaps I would remember, I did not know anything. He waited and waited for an answer... and there was no answer, I did not know!

He asked me: "Where have you been! You have not been here at all! In what world have you been! What is this, I speak and I give all my strength and you do not listen?"

Then he struck me, "Israel Ber, say which parashah we are!"

I am not listening, my head hurts and I did not hear what he said at all. I did not know at all if it was Parashat Noach, if there is Noach, if there is Torah, if there is a parashah, I did not know anything.

Well, well, I had hell, I was a little boy and I already had hell twice...

And the Rabbi was an angry person. He was very angry at me, he was old and I was a boy, he beat me in such cruelty, "What is this, I speak for nothing, I say several times like this that this week is Parashat Noach and you do not know even one utterance." You do not pay attention, do not receive and do not know, as if you were not here, as if there was not a Rabbi. What is this, where have you been!"

I saw that I needed the bread because I was receiving beatings and I had pain, and I also had great embarrassment that I was the only student that did not know anything. I was ashamed before all the students, he did not beat any student at all – on Israel Ber. He beat me in such cruelty, and the disgraces brought me more pain than the beatings. I was always in great torments and fears that the Rabbi would ask which Parashah. Well, what would be? I would receive yellings and beatings. Oy, when he asked which parashah was the week, I felt that I lost my heart, that I lost my whole life, because I did not know what he was saying. Oy, oy...

I said: "From today on I will no longer give the bread, otherwise – I will receive beatings, I will not know if the week is Parashat Noach." Nevertheless, I once again gave this poor person the bread, and I had by me all the Judaism, all of what I heard about spiritual matters, of the matter of faith, of the matter of the Torah – I received new information that I did not know about the Lord, blessed-be-He, about the Torah, I heard that there is Torah and the Lord, blessed-be-he, and I had great joy.

And I was very simple and I had a strong will to be a proper man in truth, to serve the Lord in truth and to learn and pray. Particularly since the years after bar mitzvah began, there began the war of youthful sins, thoughts, and I did not know what this was. Well, well, who can tell, who can fathom...

I had hard wars and I had every little blemish from the thoughts, it was by me like the evilest man in the world. And I found myself a place for the Lord, blessed-be-he, for the Torah. Specifically what happened to me – this brought me to the Lord, blessed-be-He, I overcame, I fought and I said: "I love the Lord, blessed-be-He, be whatever be, I want to serve the Lord!"

Oy, Master of the Universe, Master of the Universe...

I prayed in a synagogue, but I prayed in ardor in faith and in truth, I was unique in this, I looked like a mad one, I would actually shout up to the heart of the heavens. Everybody shouted, for whoever shouted more was more pious, was more important, and I shouted more than them all, but I did not mean it for importance or for some inside motive, only I – my heart would burn for the Lord, blessed-be-He and I shouted with such cries... And next to me sat a great elder, he had a beautiful beard, his name was Rav Qehat, and I sat next to him and shouted: "Give thanks unto the LORD, for his mercy is everlasting."

And he after the prayer would shout at me and cry: "What do you want from me, do you want to make me deaf and I shall not hear a thing, why do you shout with such cries, you will kill me, you will kill me, this is not shouting, this is for killing!"

He was a son of Torah and a fearer of Heaven, but he could not take the shouts, he would endure great suffering from this. His objection and his anger I remember like he was standing now and shouting at me: "What do you want from me!" (:^>

© 2005 Nissim Kaufmann, nissimkaufmann*yahoo^com. Please copy and distribute for non-profit use.